2023-04-16: Purpose

is it common for people to feel like they don't deserve the love they are given? When my friends and family go out their way to help, I wholly do not feel like I deserve their kindness. How do you give to others when they have given so much for your sake? And if I give out of a sense of duty, compelled by the desire to reciprocate, is that any less than the love they give to me so freely? I tend to think so. Giving for giving's sake has a different texture than giving because one feels compelled.

In a recent conversation with a friend's girlfriend, she shared with me how much he has sacrificed for her and her kid (he treats the kid like his own child). They moved thousands of miles away from his stomping grounds to find a situation that worked better for the girlfriend. He sold a project car to get a 4-seater that could fit a carseat. And he is a good, honest man from what I know. Diligent, industrious, caring. As real as it gets. Why did he do all this? Is it because he loves his girlfriend? Probably? Maybe there are his own reasons. Maybe, he finds purpose in spreading his love, in caring for others.

How do I find this purpose? How do I live for something other than myself? Two opposing views tug at me: rebellion for rebellion's sake and adherence to 'tradition'. The rules are meant to be broken but the rules exist for a reason. They are guidelines for a stronger community. Stronger links between nodes in a mesh network of intertwined relations. From those nodes, social clusters form, and those clusters interact with other clusters. As individuals, we are single nodes.. but we are not single nodes in isolation. Living in America, in this day & age, one might be inclined to drink the Kool-Aid. Get psyopped into thinking that "you are your own person." It's paradoxically true and untrue at the same time. True in that we do have our own experience of life. We feel we can make decisions that are solely our own. It's untrue because those decisions are never SOLELY our own. They have ripple effects outward and back toward us in a constant dance. If spacetime is a 'fabric' of sorts, then one indent in part of the fabric reverberates outward. So, in this incarnation, as the human situated in this specfic point in spacetime, how do I orient myself to honor those that came before, who are here now, and who will be here? How do I take care of my parents? How do I take care of my friends? How do I take care of my community? Well, ironically, it starts with "me" as an individual node. I'm starting to ramble. I think this might be a matter of perspective/orientation. "I'm focusing on myself" God, I hate that phrase. It's loaded with so many associations that trigger less-than-ideal feelings. But, we do have to get 'ourselves' right first before we can help others, yes? This is where the orientation matters. We can live the lives we want while also bettering those around us. Maybe, that happens naturally. I don't know. That's what I'm trying to figure out in these unfocused, stream of consciousness entries.

2023-04-13: Plodding

There comes a time when we must become discplined. For some, this comes a lot earlier—they grow up faster and recognize that, in order to live in these modern times, certain behaviors must be met: daily routine, making money, planning a budget, etc. Otherwise, time slips by us. If we are not engaged with how we move through life on a moment-to-moment, day-by-day basis... years fly by. Suddenly, we are looking back on our younger years with the wistfulness of a dog at the dinner table. As I enter my "prime money-making years", I think often about all the missed opportunities in years past. How much of those years did I spend on a couch, watching Netflix, blitzed out of my mind? How many of minutes, hours, and days did I spend dreaming and not DOING? Memento mori. The paradox in living life to the fullest, in remembering that our time here is limited, is that we must simultaneously push and expand the borders of our experience while also plod along. Certain things must become rote. They become habit. When we brush our teeth and wash our clothes, these things are not exciting in and of themselves. They do not test the boundaries of our comfort and challenge us; however, they are necessary. They are non-negotiables as productivity gurus like to put it. And yet, they are actions we must engage in to maintain the body of work we have built. Studying, strength training, and any skill you can think of are all examples of this. We know this. The "boring" stuff, the foundation, is the base we must build. And on that foundation are the wonderful feats and fruits that the world sees. This is where my greatest weakness is currently. I plot but I do not plod. I dream but I do not do. I can envision a world where I have all that I want, but that is merely a vision. The work that needs to be done... needs to be done. Daily. I must plod forward with fervor. Relish the monotony. Enjoy the journey toward the destination. Plot and plod. Not Plot and Plot.

2023-04-12: Hypersigilization

I'd like to actually flesh out what I wrote about in my last entry but have decided against it. Moreover, a big part of me wants to hide this embarrassment. "A man must never show weakness. Suck it up, buttercup". As I sit here and think about it, I wanted sympathy. Sympathy from some random stranger who may one day read this. A stranger who, carried by the cyberspace trade winds, washes up on the shores of my humble island in this vast wired ocean. I wanted to vent and scream into the aether. Like crying into mama's arms, I sought comfort. And, in writing this out, I can't help but think that this comfort is never going to come. My mother is aging and should no longer have to worry about me. It's time I took care of her and my father. I'm bound by some cultural programming that I'm well aware I can simply decide to uninstall.

This might be silly, but this entry is an affirmation. I am affirming to myself, and to the denizens of the cyber world (a world I seem to give more stock than the physical), that today it begins. In the most melodramatic fashion reminiscent of a shonen main character, I embark on my journey to right all the mistakes I've committed to put me in the situation I'm in right now. I recognize the naivete of writing this entry. Real life isn't some grand story with major arcs and turning points. Or... is it?


I can't fucking sleep. Had caffeine way too late and now I'm up in the wee hours of the morning with a long day of work ahead. Procrastinating on damn near everything in my life. It's a wonder I'm even working on this website at all. in fact, my brain is so fried I'm having trouble coming up with things to write here. I would word vomit all my frustrations and problems, but I'd probably end up sharing easily identifiable information and full doxxing by accident.

Ah hell, the lack of sleep isn't the problem — it was the blank canvas dilemma. I couldn't think of anything to write up until now. Let's unpack by paranoia around doxxing.

The first and foremost reason for why I worry about doxxing: I'm fucking embarrassed. Embarrassed about where I am in life. Embarrassed about what I've amounted to. Embarrassed about the fact that I am exactly where I am in life. And that is 100% a consequence of the poor decisions I've made. I'd loooove to blame my parents, society, God, FATE, or SOMETHING for my circumstances, but that would be a bold-faced lie. Areas like finance, physique, and skillset are all, in my estimation, not up to par. It's utterly embarrassing. However, I recognize that this it is entirely up to me to change; despite (or maybe in spite) of these invading, self-loathing thoughts, I am perfectly capable of cracking this puzzle. What, then, is the solution?

My spiritual practice. A daily, consistent routine that is non-negotiable. One that is physically, energetically, and psychically nourishing. What the fuck does that even mean? Well, as I've come to understand it, the body (physical & energetic) and mind are inextricably linked. They feed into each other and are in constant commmunication, whether we know it or not. It's why a 'physical' practice like Yoga or QiGong is so beneficial — there are forms and shapes within these practices that shape and direct the energy within the body. These practices also serve a different function. Because these practices limber and stretch the body, they also lessen our physical discomfort. When this occurs, our mind opens up as well, as the body stores tension (stress) that erodes at your mental capacity much like how water can carve deep rivers into mountains—with enough time, a tight and bound-up body will break the mind. Just think about how debilitating back pain can be if you've ever experienced it. Or, maybe you know someone who's experienced something similar.

An important caveat is that our mind is the ultimate arbiter. If we let a little physical discomfort derail us, we are being "mentally weak". MIND OVER MATTER, as they say. I question whether MIND OVER MATTER needs to be applied to every. single. situation where we experience mental discomfort that arises from the body. That was worded super poorly. Uhh.. an analogy might be better here. If we approach everything with this MIND OVER MATTER. DISCIPLINE ABOVE ALL ELSE. YOUR BODY WANTS TO GIVE UP BUT THAT'S REALLY YOUR MIND BEING WEAK - David Goggins-esque mindset, we are brute-forcing our way through everything. We are wielding a hammer and everything looks like a nail.

But, everything is NOT a nail. I will admit, from my distorted perception of my own masculinity, I get off to this GRINDSET thinking. Yeaaaa, I must struggle. I must live life like Sisyphus reimagined. I must enjoy the daily toil of pushing the boulder of my life up a hill. Why the fuck does life need to be like that? Life is never going to be pure roses and rainbows, because the Universe [in my cosmology] literally does not work that way. A different way to put it might be something like: God is giving you challenges to see you grow. Without pressure, no diamonds yea? So we are going to be challenged regardless. We will feel pain, endure hardships, struggle. But I wonder if glorifying that struggle is unnecessary. I'm losing steam here and can't articulate where I'm going with this. Cigarette > Nap > Work. Maybe some other time